The Night Everything Changed

The day before your life changes forever is just like any other day. 

Ain't that the truth. 

First, let me share a little background. In February 2013, I was hospitalized for a severe ulcer. It was during this hospitalization that a routine Cat Scan revealed that my chest and abdominal lymph nodes were enlarged and diseased.  The doctors believed and assured me though that within a few months they would return to normal size. On April 20th, 2013 I married the man of my dreams.
Happily Ever After was so close I could feel it. And then one day, it slipped away. 

It was a Friday. June 7th, 2013 to be exact. And I was a grumpy Katie. I had pulled a muscle in my back over two weeks ago and I couldn't seem to find relief. Ice, heat and repeat. Nothing was working. 

Finally, I gave in and decided to go to the doctors. This either was the worst decision or best decision that I have ever made. Over a year later and I'm still not sure.

When I arrived at the doctors, I told them how much my back had been hurting and how I was beginning to have trouble breathing. Then the doctor uttered a word that I had no idea would change everything. 

 X-RAY. 

Other then some tiredness and the pulled muscle I was feeling great. I was convinced my bad health was totally behind me and that my lymph node masses had shrunk. Blissful ignorance. 

As I got undressed that night for my x-ray I mentioned to the tech that I had "masses" in my chest and abdomen a few months back but they should be gone now. I had a huge smile on face. I was actually excited to hear the words "clear x-ray".  

Click.

Click.

Click.

Click.

The nurse seemed to be taking an awful lot of films. Half way through she walked over to me and asked me if I was wearing a necklace.

I awkwardly replied, "No". 

She put her hand on my back as if she was brushing something away. She awkwardly mumbled and went back to clicking. 

Click. 

Click. 

Click.

She stuck her head out from behind the glass. 

"How big was your lung mass in February?"

I started at her. I blinked. I was confused. 

Lung mass? Did she just say lung mass?  But everything shrunk right? I'm all better?

(as it turns out everything had grown) 

Wait, a new mass? In my lung? 

The doctor finally came in after what seemed like forever. She explained that my "pulled muscle" was in fact a mass in my left lung. 

I cried. A lot. 

I started to argue with her.  I explained I had been taking my multi-vitamin every day so there must be a mistake. 

The doctor smiled at me and tried to give me some comfort. I continued to mumble about my new multi vitamin. It was not my brightest moment. I was sent home empty handed. No pain relief. No answers. And scared shitless. 

What I wouldn't give now for a pulled muscle. 

I remember crying the entire drive home. I spent those eternal 10 minutes practicing how I would tell Ben. I practiced making it sound funny but the tears just wouldn't stop.

Most of that night is a blur. But there is one moment that I will never forget. I remember unlocking the door and the dogs ran to greet me. I walked the stairs to the kitchen. Pink Floyd was playing in the background and Ben was cooking and smiling. I became so overwhelmed that the room began spinning around him yet he seemed to remain perfectly still. He looked up from the stove and our eyes immediately locked. And as the smile started to slowly drift from his face, I realized that at that moment he also knew nothing would ever be the same again. No words were spoken for many moments.
Just locked eyes. And then came the tears.

And that is how this story begins. 

Love is All You Need

New Year's Eve 2013 was the best New Year's of my life. Ben and I had a carefree, colorful and simply magical night. And it was all from the comfort of our own home.

As we counted down and toasted at midnight I felt an overwhelming feeling of peace. I just knew 2013 was going to be one of the best years of my life. I was getting married in April to the man of my dreams and I was the happiest I had ever been.

And as the clock struck midnight, Ben and I raised our glasses and made a toast. A toast to the future. A toast to perfection. A toast to happiness. A toast to health. A toast to 2013.
And looking back now..It was also a toast to blissful ignorance. Because 2013 was about to turn into the hardest year of my life.

Some days I feel like these months have defeated me. I feel physically and emotionally exhausted. I feel discouraged and lost.
Some days though, I feel a sense of peace.  I may not be quite as innocent as I was last year. I'm 26 and learned from personal experience that bad things can happen...our lives can be turned upside down at the blink of an eye. Or rather, the click of an x-ray.

But what I have really learned is that those beautiful moments filled with naive hope, love and laughter. Those moments are what keeps us going each and every day. They fuel us through the bad times.


I close my eyes and I can fast forward to New Year's Eve 2014. Ben and I have our champagne glasses in hand. And I know in my heart we will toast to innocence again. To perfection, happiness, health and to our future. We will be smiling and giggling and those are the moments and memories that get us through everything else.

I find strength in my naiveness. I find strength in my innocence. And most importantly, I find strength in the cliche that "Love is All You Need".


June 10, 2014: (I figure I should update this blog post. Ben and I did not get to toast to a cure on New Year's. Hell we didn't even get to toast to a diagnosis. But we did get to toast to love. And for that night, love was enough)