The Night Everything Changed

The day before your life changes forever is just like any other day. 

Ain't that the truth. 

First, let me share a little background. In February 2013, I was hospitalized for a severe ulcer. It was during this hospitalization that a routine Cat Scan revealed that my chest and abdominal lymph nodes were enlarged and diseased.  The doctors believed and assured me though that within a few months they would return to normal size. On April 20th, 2013 I married the man of my dreams.
Happily Ever After was so close I could feel it. And then one day, it slipped away. 

It was a Friday. June 7th, 2013 to be exact. And I was a grumpy Katie. I had pulled a muscle in my back over two weeks ago and I couldn't seem to find relief. Ice, heat and repeat. Nothing was working. 

Finally, I gave in and decided to go to the doctors. This either was the worst decision or best decision that I have ever made. Over a year later and I'm still not sure.

When I arrived at the doctors, I told them how much my back had been hurting and how I was beginning to have trouble breathing. Then the doctor uttered a word that I had no idea would change everything. 

 X-RAY. 

Other then some tiredness and the pulled muscle I was feeling great. I was convinced my bad health was totally behind me and that my lymph node masses had shrunk. Blissful ignorance. 

As I got undressed that night for my x-ray I mentioned to the tech that I had "masses" in my chest and abdomen a few months back but they should be gone now. I had a huge smile on face. I was actually excited to hear the words "clear x-ray".  

Click.

Click.

Click.

Click.

The nurse seemed to be taking an awful lot of films. Half way through she walked over to me and asked me if I was wearing a necklace.

I awkwardly replied, "No". 

She put her hand on my back as if she was brushing something away. She awkwardly mumbled and went back to clicking. 

Click. 

Click. 

Click.

She stuck her head out from behind the glass. 

"How big was your lung mass in February?"

I started at her. I blinked. I was confused. 

Lung mass? Did she just say lung mass?  But everything shrunk right? I'm all better?

(as it turns out everything had grown) 

Wait, a new mass? In my lung? 

The doctor finally came in after what seemed like forever. She explained that my "pulled muscle" was in fact a mass in my left lung. 

I cried. A lot. 

I started to argue with her.  I explained I had been taking my multi-vitamin every day so there must be a mistake. 

The doctor smiled at me and tried to give me some comfort. I continued to mumble about my new multi vitamin. It was not my brightest moment. I was sent home empty handed. No pain relief. No answers. And scared shitless. 

What I wouldn't give now for a pulled muscle. 

I remember crying the entire drive home. I spent those eternal 10 minutes practicing how I would tell Ben. I practiced making it sound funny but the tears just wouldn't stop.

Most of that night is a blur. But there is one moment that I will never forget. I remember unlocking the door and the dogs ran to greet me. I walked the stairs to the kitchen. Pink Floyd was playing in the background and Ben was cooking and smiling. I became so overwhelmed that the room began spinning around him yet he seemed to remain perfectly still. He looked up from the stove and our eyes immediately locked. And as the smile started to slowly drift from his face, I realized that at that moment he also knew nothing would ever be the same again. No words were spoken for many moments.
Just locked eyes. And then came the tears.

And that is how this story begins.